Being the Beloved:
stories of ongoing transformation in daily life
By Katrina Obata, CFDM Executive Director
Expectations. They are woven into the fabric of my identity, like a background operating system that runs silently under the surface and yet can have a profound impact. This is something God’s been inviting me to explore lately.
I have expectations of myself. I think that’s a good thing. It’s good to have goals, standards, hopes, and dreams. However, sometimes my response when these expectations aren’t met is not a good thing. When I get disappointed with myself, my compassion towards me is diminished. My inner critic grows. Sound familiar?
Recently, I REALLY missed the mark, big time (at least, in my evaluation of the situation). When I spoke to a friend about it, she asked me, who set this expectation? “I did,” I responded, “I am the one who set it.”
She invited me to ponder God’s response to that. In an instant I smiled, because lightheartedly, I sensed God say, “Excuse me, I AM the One…”
Gee, that put it in a new light for me. I had not lived up to my own expectation, but it was not an expectation set by God.
Praying, pondering, and journaling about it later, I came to see that by setting certain expectations for myself, I’m attempting to create a version of me that I like. The idea is that, if achieved, then this version would keep me out of the muck and mess of life, and put me out of reach of critique (my own and others). Fulfilling my set expectations would make me into the person I want to be! Sounds great, right?
However, I AM is the One who created me, and is the One to form me.
With God’s version of me, my life is messier and more vulnerable than I would choose for myself. God would also have me be much easier on myself, and mix in a lot of humor and humility.
It’s clear to me that I can’t follow Jesus, my Beloved, if I’m striving to fulfill and follow my own expectations. Jesus is The Way, but when I focus on my expectations and failures, then I’ve lost sight of Him.
In writing this blog article, I recalled that Julian of Norwich, in her book The Showings, spoke often of “missing the mark” and shared how Jesus responded to her about that. Julian said:
“Our gracious God does not want us to fall into despair on account of our so frequently and so grievously missing the mark. Our shortcomings do not in any way diminish his love for us. Peace and love are always living and working within us, but we are not always in peace and love. Our Beloved wants us to realize that his love is the ground of our whole life.”
My prayer is that when I miss the mark that I can model our gracious God and be gentle with myself, love myself, and let it go with a humble and grateful heart. I pray that I can return to the Love that is always living and working within me, return to the Love that is the ground of my whole being. I want to let God be the One to weave the fabric of my identity.
Are there expectations that you carry that are becoming heavy? Is it something God is asking of you --- or you are requiring of you? Jesus says, come to Me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Bio: Katrina Obata is CFDM-NW’s Executive Director and a spiritual director. She enjoys being creative with collage journals, watercolor, drawing, jewelry making, Gelli printing. She also loves to be outside walking, gardening, and rock hounding. A native of the Adirondack Mountain area of NY state, Katrina has made the PNW her home since 1994. She is a mom to an adult son via foster adoption, and currently lives in Bend, OR with her husband, and their dog Meeka.
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